It's moments like now that I question life, after a 12 hour shoot, and what God had planned when I was a developing human inside my sweet Mama's womb, 41 years ago.
I've always been one to question, to ask, to ponder, to feel deeply.
Two nights ago, I sat with my loving, and quite incredible friend Kelly, and she asked,
"At what age do you remember that feeling of pure bliss, of that moment when nothing in the world was wrong, but all was well, all was as it should be?"
I reminisced for a moment, and then experienced a settling feeling that encompassed my entire being. I sank comfortably into her couch, and answered her with a simple answer...
"When I was three, maybe four years old... I sat under a holly bush in my backyard on Farmbrook drive with my little toy mouse, a ceramic figurine that fit inside the palm of my hand, and I held this creature close to my chest, under the red berries, and stared at the sky, and I thought, "What's out there? Why is the sky so blue, and this warm sunshine, why does it feel like heaven?"
I crave these moments as an adult. I still long for the times I would lie in the small foyer, in front of our red front door in 1983, where the sunlight poured in through the glass windows atop, and I purred like a cat.
This is a feeling of heaven.
There is no better place than total and complete safety and absolute, unconditional love.
I crave this return to Eden.
THIS feeling is heaven. God's stamp on our souls.
Think about it... Don't we ALL want total and complete acceptance regardless of our merit?
As a sweet child, I imagined the beauty of a life of my dreams, and what life would look like when I married that perfect man who would love me forever. As a young girl I practiced kissing my hand in the shower...cute, but so serious at the time. You better believe he (this prince) would feel loved and appreciated, because I was ready to be the perfect spouse. His total commitment would be to me and our family, and I him and our children. At 10 years old, at this moment, I knew I wanted to be a virgin when I married, so I could give my husband the gift that was meant for him and only him.
Where did this decision come from? My parents never uttered abstinence in our home.
I just knew in my heart that love was strong and sacred.
And then there are the moments on the rope swing at 10 years old when I would imagine a video camera capturing my life as I acted out a scene by the faux lake I created in my mind, underneath the stars. The monologue I would share that would win me an Oscar... And that moment that I said to myself as an awkward, internal, confused, chunky, weird, pre-adolescent,
"Caroline, you are a lovely swan. Remember the story of the ugly duckling? She became a beautiful swan. Someday you will show everyone who you really are."
How does a child just KNOW and BELIEVE in these dreams?
I believe that having an upbringing that is true, and right and God fearing and Biblically based is important. I believe the Bible in it's entirety is true.
I didn't have this upbringing.
And I do NOT in any way shame my parents for not providing a more structured and biblical upbringing.
I credit my folks with the gift of freedom to be me, and figure out life for MYSELF.
To follow my heart...
Quite frankly, NEITHER of these dreams of a husband, family, and acting career, winning me an Oscar, have come true.
Yet.
Then why do I hang onto them?
I don't know...
And God. Yes. He confuses me.
And sometimes I don't understand.
Most days I don't get life.
But, in my experience, I believe that life, and faith starts with the heart.
When I am honest, and transparent, and open, THAT'S when TRUTH comes.
I can't imagine a God that punishes or discards out of lack of education or knowledge in upbringing.
I believe there is a God that honors when we are transparent, and honest, and real.
I know this, because it happened for me.
I was never told what to believe.
I found it for myself.
And for my experiences, I am truly grateful.
