Aftershocks

 An aftershock is a smaller earthquake that follows a larger earthquake, in the same area of the main shock, caused as the displaced crust adjusts to the effects of the main shock.  

Aftershocks. This is my current state.   I am experiencing aftershocks in all areas of my life... and somehow these shocks are causing a wake within my being that is even more tumultuous than the major shock of Covid 19.  The adjustment following a global pandemic, that furloughed all my jobs, had me scrambling and negotiating in every facet of my life.  The aftershocks I am experiencing now, with work back tenfold, friendships and relationships strained, or lost completely due to death, sickness or trauma, feels like major whiplash.  

I don't like it. 

I'm trying to adjust and mold into this new normal.  I'm working more than I did pre Covid, however, I feel scattered, lonely and displaced.  My friendships and relationships are different now.. .and for the first time in 10 years, I find myself a loner.  Many friendships have dissipated, routines from early 2020 have disintegrated, and I have become a workaholic.  

I also recognize that this aftershock period may be necessary, and any type of control I seek to shortcut this adjustment process will return to bite me in the behind.  

It sucks feeling like this... 

This adjustment has a name:  Grief. 

I loathe feeling grief.  I run from it. I push it aside, but it never goes away.  I prolong the process when I pretend it's not there... and it always resurfaces with a vengeance that knocks me on the floor. Literally.  

Many of you are feeling grief too.  You're not alone.  It's uncomfortable, and necessary. And any amount of distraction to fill the void, leaves you feeling more empty later and mostly desperate.  

So, I've decided to sit in this ick, and grab the water out of the fridge rather than the Prosecco, and sit here and feel it and call it by name: Grief.  

See you on the other side...

Love

It's in the specificity...
when you listen carefully, hanging onto the words of a moment..
when their words crack, or the wind blows their hair ever so lightly...
or when you experience the moment of a sense that takes you by surprise like the unexpected taste of honey on the tip of your tongue...
it's in the specificity of a moment,
that true longing is built...
and the continuity of repeated meetings that these specifics grow to knowns, then you learn to continue to create and
LOVE by choice...
Love is a choice... Love is a choice... Love is a choice.\
Create with the continual choice of a commitment.
This is love. 

Freeway Freedom

I drove on the freeway 4 times this week.  Last night, I cruised at 68 mph for almost 10 miles.

Happy tears of joy and relief welled in my eyes, having accomplished a feat that for me is literally a HUGE milestone.

The last time I drove a short distance on the interstate was August 2016.  I tried later that month, and my attempt did NOT go well.   I took a break.  For one year.  The last time I attempted was August 1, 2017.  I will never forget that day as my attempt did not go well, at all.  THIS day my ENTIRE body shut down. 

Back roads have been my safe friend for almost 2 years.  I have avoided the interstate at all costs, rerouted on back roads, rode public transportation, sat as a passenger on the very unreliable bus system,  avoided social invitations more than 10 miles from home, and walked to errands.  Even the mere thought of attempting to ride what felt like a broken roller coaster with no seat belt, would send my heart into palpatations.

For most, driving on the interstate is an everyday necessity.  For me, it was an absolute terror; mostly because I could not control my body's reactionary response once in a sea of whirling cars.

Terrifying.

I have battled PTSD for almost 6 years now.  The peak of it manifesting over the course of the last two years.  I was not aware that I even suffered from it, until through counseling, my therapist nailed it.  For whatever reason, my sense of feeling "trapped" would manifest while driving the freeway.  Before I recognized the severity of my trauma, I figured, "be tough, mind over matter..." and when I would attempt to accelerate onto the merging ramp, I found this theory null and void... my eye sight would tunnel, my heart would palpate above 100 beats per minute, my body suddenly drenched in sweat, and the shaking would overtake my legs, arms, and hands.  Passing out at the wheel is a frightening concept, and when this dark blanket of control would overtake my physical body, no amount of prayer, hymn singing, deep breathing, nor focus could shake it.  I would have rather walked to client locations 20 miles from home than drive the interstate.  And being a woman of "no fear," having this condition, felt utterly embarrassing. 

I am not entirely sure why driving on the freeway would trigger these debilitating, physiological responses.  However, I am FULLY aware that there is NO correlation to my PTSD and driving a vehicle on the freeway.  These manifestations are COMPLETELY related to my story after experiencing mental, emotional, and physical trauma.

To understand this more clearly, I analytically broke down what would happen in my body and brain.  The following in real time, would occur within milliseconds:

Merging into traffic would symbolize oncoming danger and entering into a sea of chaos against my will... all the while knowing I had to enter into this trauma so I could reach my goal or destination.  My car represented "no escape" in a vessel where I felt trapped, yet had to manage to "stay strong" and controlled amongst all the mess around me.  Panic would instantaneously set in when I could not get away from this danger, and find a peaceful, safe back road.  And the terror would become so great that in order for my body/mind to protect itself for what "seemingly" felt like DANGER, it would shut itself down...that's when the tunnel vision would begin, and the overall physical reaction of passing out.   My body was actually trying to help me block out the "danger" around me. 

With much prayer and counseling around trauma, I see now that my body, and mind are my closest allies.  Instead of trying to fight my body's response to seeming danger,  I accept it now as an advocate for healing the trauma of my past.  I needed to enter into my body's responses, acknowledge the triggers, take breaks as needed, and speak kindly to my heart.  Exposure therapy did not work for me.  Instead of desensitization, I needed to enter into the rest my body and mind needed, allowing myself to walk into the "danger," when I felt strong and ready.  This healing process has proved successful in that I entered into the chaotic sea in a place of peace... four times this week for over ten miles.

Trauma is real.  I have been humbled by this experience.  I thank God that He blessed me with the opportunity to soften my heart in the areas of PTSD, and trauma, because now I am a survivor, and fighter in the gentlest way...

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I love this exchange...
Just goes to show how fear, as well as misinterpretation dictates one's actions... and how there is always a way through, when we are vulnerable and honest... but that is a choice.

Joel: [in the house on the beach] I have to go. I have to catch my ride.
Clementine: So go!
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation, I think.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah... you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back. Clementine walks down the stairs towards him]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you.
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...

Paid to feel

I get paid to feel.

That is my job.

That facet of my personality, that I was so shamed for, is actually how I make my living.

How perfectly unexpected...

I used to pray, that God would take away who I am, so I could be normal... feel accepted.

Loneliness was my existence, with so much time to think... to feel...

As a child, I was accused of making "mountains out of molehills."   BUT the mountains weren't small lumps at all.  Those molehills were screaming MOUNTAINS of REALITY and TRUTH.  

My core feelings cut the darkness and shed light, even when I shuttered at the rejection I faced.

There is a power that gave me unexplainable truth... And that power, gave me guidance.  And continues, even to this day.

I just have to listen to it...

I sense things I don't want to.
I visualize everything, and I have an ever powerful imagination.
In some instances, it has saved me from danger.
I have a gift and a curse, and when I feel, and when I think, I see and experience it all at a visceral level.

I prayed for God to take all of this away...

But now I see that it's in the flaws and the beauty of imperfection and raw emotion that others feel free enough to become more transparent, more real, and more human.

More in need of a Savior.
More in need of connection.

When I am TRULY myself, I experience how vulnerable I really am, and how others want to be accepted just as they are...

Human BEings.

Hope: Fantasy or Reality?

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of the days I would be discovered as an actress that would change the world... and the young woman who after years of research, discovered a cure for cancer... who met a man and then waltzed down the aisle into a wonderful and fruitful marriage, making babies, and loving well.

As this year hits, at 41, and none of these dreams have transpired, I am realizing that I have a HUGE part to play in my dreams... in my hopes becoming a reality.

When you're small, no one give you real talk about life's obstacles.  You can't really comprehend the magnitude of sorrow over disappointments, and what true heart ache is like, how it immobilizes you to paralysis, leaving you blindsided for days...

No parent wants to explain to their children,
"Sweetheart, go for your dreams, but beware, it's going to be hell.  Expect major disappointments.  Expect set backs that will cause you intense pain.  Expect sickness, death, and poverty.  Expect the worst, and hope for the best.  Go after your dreams, and maybe they'll come true."  

Who in God's name wants to tarnish a sweet child's fantasies?  And are they really just fantasy? 

Maybe.  

Maybe not... 

Years ago, I read a book called the Sacred Romance, by John Eldredge.  I believe in my heart, that after reading these profound and lovely pages, that I became a Christian.  What did it for me, was John's way of explaining the arrows that pierce us, that damage our hearts in the dreams we long for most.  This made so much sense to me.  All of the desires that I had ALWAYS hoped for, ALWAYS, without fail, disappointed me.  But they didn't just disappoint me, they stabbed me to my core... hurts that triggered my soul to numb out.  Sometimes I felt like a part or most of me, died.  I would  stop feeling.  Pain was too much.  Everything became grey.  But I figured, "grey is better than getting excited about anything, because I know, that what I long for, will never happen."  

In reflecting on my life, and reading John's book, I realized that the hope for the desires in my heart come from the one who created me.  Why would a creator make something only to set it up for failure to be trashed? John also described the real force that exists and feeds like a vampire... There is a powerful and dark force whose number one goal is evil... to literally destroy the Great Creator's creation.  

And this is when everything clicked.  

My desires are not a joke.  There is a reason that my heart is to love well, enjoy a beautiful family, touch and connect with others, use my talent as a conduit, and desire health, and wellness...

These desires were planted in me TO BRING LIFE.  That is what the Creator instilled in all of us.  However, there is, in fact, a clever, sinister source, that lurks... His desire is to kill, steal and destroy.  This entity of darkness preys on life, and breaking us down to give up our God given gifts. 

So far in my life, I have seen and experienced this contrasting radiant light and black night.  I am intrigued by the deep ocean, and curious about the Prince of Darkness.  I dabble in my intrigue of mystery, and often find myself close to the edge of dreadful sin that catapults me into no man's land. My flesh reeks of want; the wrong desire... time and time again these momentary cravings prove despair rather than glory.  And I shrivel rather than shine...

I TRULY believe that there is a literal LIFE/DEATH battle far beyond what we can even comprehend that takes place in the realm of what we call in popular TV shows/Films ("the Upside down," "the Underworld," "the Matrix").  

If life was easy, there would be no room for story...

If life was a cake walk, we would never appreciate the glory at the end of the war...

If everything was easy, with no pain, and no heartache, we would never experience the victory of success.  

Life isn't meant to be EASY.  Life is HARD.  REALLY DIFFICULT.  And there is a reason... 

So, bring on the rain... and bring on the obstacles... because I realize that with pain there is a glorious gain... 

During battle, it's the choices I make every moment that either move me toward life,  or move me toward death.  

And the choices I make in the midst of chaos, are my part to play in the story.

I shine or I cower.  I stand or I fall.

The choice is mine.  

The fight

If no one fights for you,
Fight for yourself...

If someone puts you down,
Build yourself up...

If someone uses flattery and lies to coerce you,
Speak truth to yourself...

If someone does not apologize,
Forgive anyway...

If you are abandoned by love,
Love yourself...

If someone cheats you,
Be true to yourself...

If I have hurt another,
Apologize immediately...

If I have caused pain as a direct response to an attack,
Say "I'm sorry," anyway...

If I have failed,
Make amends immediately...

If I have created a boundary,
Stay true to this safety...

So, you see, it is how we love ourselves when others hate, and how God views His children admist the violence.

Love anyway, and create a boundary... It is possible to love from afar.  For we are not to treat others as trash nor be treated as garbage ourselves...