eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I love this exchange...
Just goes to show how fear, as well as misinterpretation dictates one's actions... and how there is always a way through, when we are vulnerable and honest... but that is a choice.

Joel: [in the house on the beach] I have to go. I have to catch my ride.
Clementine: So go!
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation, I think.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah... you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back. Clementine walks down the stairs towards him]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you.
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...

Paid to feel

I get paid to feel.

That is my job.

That facet of my personality, that I was so shamed for, is actually how I make my living.

How perfectly unexpected...

I used to pray, that God would take away who I am, so I could be normal... feel accepted.

Loneliness was my existence, with so much time to think... to feel...

As a child, I was accused of making "mountains out of molehills."   BUT the mountains weren't small lumps at all.  Those molehills were screaming MOUNTAINS of REALITY and TRUTH.  

My core feelings cut the darkness and shed light, even when I shuttered at the rejection I faced.

There is a power that gave me unexplainable truth... And that power, gave me guidance.  And continues, even to this day.

I just have to listen to it...

I sense things I don't want to.
I visualize everything, and I have an ever powerful imagination.
In some instances, it has saved me from danger.
I have a gift and a curse, and when I feel, and when I think, I see and experience it all at a visceral level.

I prayed for God to take all of this away...

But now I see that it's in the flaws and the beauty of imperfection and raw emotion that others feel free enough to become more transparent, more real, and more human.

More in need of a Savior.
More in need of connection.

When I am TRULY myself, I experience how vulnerable I really am, and how others want to be accepted just as they are...

Human BEings.

Hope: Fantasy or Reality?

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of the days I would be discovered as an actress that would change the world... and the young woman who after years of research, discovered a cure for cancer... who met a man and then waltzed down the aisle into a wonderful and fruitful marriage, making babies, and loving well.

As this year hits, at 41, and none of these dreams have transpired, I am realizing that I have a HUGE part to play in my dreams... in my hopes becoming a reality.

When you're small, no one give you real talk about life's obstacles.  You can't really comprehend the magnitude of sorrow over disappointments, and what true heart ache is like, how it immobilizes you to paralysis, leaving you blindsided for days...

No parent wants to explain to their children,
"Sweetheart, go for your dreams, but beware, it's going to be hell.  Expect major disappointments.  Expect set backs that will cause you intense pain.  Expect sickness, death, and poverty.  Expect the worst, and hope for the best.  Go after your dreams, and maybe they'll come true."  

Who in God's name wants to tarnish a sweet child's fantasies?  And are they really just fantasy? 

Maybe.  

Maybe not... 

Years ago, I read a book called the Sacred Romance, by John Eldredge.  I believe in my heart, that after reading these profound and lovely pages, that I became a Christian.  What did it for me, was John's way of explaining the arrows that pierce us, that damage our hearts in the dreams we long for most.  This made so much sense to me.  All of the desires that I had ALWAYS hoped for, ALWAYS, without fail, disappointed me.  But they didn't just disappoint me, they stabbed me to my core... hurts that triggered my soul to numb out.  Sometimes I felt like a part or most of me, died.  I would  stop feeling.  Pain was too much.  Everything became grey.  But I figured, "grey is better than getting excited about anything, because I know, that what I long for, will never happen."  

In reflecting on my life, and reading John's book, I realized that the hope for the desires in my heart come from the one who created me.  Why would a creator make something only to set it up for failure to be trashed? John also described the real force that exists and feeds like a vampire... There is a powerful and dark force whose number one goal is evil... to literally destroy the Great Creator's creation.  

And this is when everything clicked.  

My desires are not a joke.  There is a reason that my heart is to love well, enjoy a beautiful family, touch and connect with others, use my talent as a conduit, and desire health, and wellness...

These desires were planted in me TO BRING LIFE.  That is what the Creator instilled in all of us.  However, there is, in fact, a clever, sinister source, that lurks... His desire is to kill, steal and destroy.  This entity of darkness preys on life, and breaking us down to give up our God given gifts. 

So far in my life, I have seen and experienced this contrasting radiant light and black night.  I am intrigued by the deep ocean, and curious about the Prince of Darkness.  I dabble in my intrigue of mystery, and often find myself close to the edge of dreadful sin that catapults me into no man's land. My flesh reeks of want; the wrong desire... time and time again these momentary cravings prove despair rather than glory.  And I shrivel rather than shine...

I TRULY believe that there is a literal LIFE/DEATH battle far beyond what we can even comprehend that takes place in the realm of what we call in popular TV shows/Films ("the Upside down," "the Underworld," "the Matrix").  

If life was easy, there would be no room for story...

If life was a cake walk, we would never appreciate the glory at the end of the war...

If everything was easy, with no pain, and no heartache, we would never experience the victory of success.  

Life isn't meant to be EASY.  Life is HARD.  REALLY DIFFICULT.  And there is a reason... 

So, bring on the rain... and bring on the obstacles... because I realize that with pain there is a glorious gain... 

During battle, it's the choices I make every moment that either move me toward life,  or move me toward death.  

And the choices I make in the midst of chaos, are my part to play in the story.

I shine or I cower.  I stand or I fall.

The choice is mine.  

The fight

If no one fights for you,
Fight for yourself...

If someone puts you down,
Build yourself up...

If someone uses flattery and lies to coerce you,
Speak truth to yourself...

If someone does not apologize,
Forgive anyway...

If you are abandoned by love,
Love yourself...

If someone cheats you,
Be true to yourself...

If I have hurt another,
Apologize immediately...

If I have caused pain as a direct response to an attack,
Say "I'm sorry," anyway...

If I have failed,
Make amends immediately...

If I have created a boundary,
Stay true to this safety...

So, you see, it is how we love ourselves when others hate, and how God views His children admist the violence.

Love anyway, and create a boundary... It is possible to love from afar.  For we are not to treat others as trash nor be treated as garbage ourselves...

Moments to question

It's moments like now that I question life, after a 12 hour shoot, and what God had planned when I was a developing human inside my sweet Mama's womb, 41 years ago.

I've always been one to question, to ask, to ponder, to feel deeply.

Two nights ago, I sat with my loving, and quite incredible friend Kelly, and she asked,

"At what age do you remember that feeling of pure bliss, of that moment when nothing in the world was wrong, but all was well, all was as it should be?"

I reminisced for a moment, and then experienced a settling feeling that encompassed my entire being. I sank comfortably into her couch,  and answered her with a simple answer...

"When I was three, maybe four years old... I sat under a holly bush in my backyard on Farmbrook drive with my little toy mouse, a ceramic figurine that fit inside the palm of my hand, and I held this creature close to my chest, under the red berries, and stared at the sky, and I thought, "What's out there?  Why is the sky so blue, and this warm sunshine, why does it feel like heaven?"

I crave these moments as an adult.  I still long for the times I would lie in the small foyer, in front of our red front door in 1983, where the sunlight poured in through the glass windows atop, and I purred like a cat.

This is a feeling of heaven.

There is no better place than total and complete safety and absolute, unconditional love.

I crave this return to Eden.

THIS feeling is heaven.  God's stamp on our souls.

Think about it... Don't we ALL want total and complete acceptance regardless of our merit?

As a sweet child, I imagined the beauty of a life of my dreams, and what life would look like when I married that perfect man who would love me forever.  As a young girl I practiced kissing my hand in the shower...cute, but so serious at the time.  You better believe he (this prince) would feel loved and appreciated, because I was ready to be the perfect spouse.  His total commitment would be to me and our family, and I him and our children.  At 10 years old, at this moment, I knew I wanted to be a virgin when I married, so I could give my husband the gift that was meant for him and only him.

Where did this decision come from?  My parents never uttered abstinence in our home.

I just knew in my heart that love was strong and sacred.

And then there are the moments on the rope swing at 10 years old when I would imagine a video camera capturing my life as I acted out a scene by the faux lake I created in my mind, underneath the stars.  The monologue I would share that would win me an Oscar...  And that moment that I said to myself as an awkward, internal, confused, chunky, weird, pre-adolescent,

"Caroline, you are a lovely swan.  Remember the story of the ugly duckling?  She became a beautiful swan.  Someday you will show everyone who you really are."

How does a child just KNOW and BELIEVE in these dreams?

I believe that having an upbringing that is true, and right and God fearing and Biblically based is important.  I believe the Bible in it's entirety is true.

I didn't have this upbringing.

And I do NOT in any way shame my parents for not providing a more structured and biblical upbringing.

I credit my folks with the gift of freedom to be me, and figure out life for MYSELF.

To follow my heart...

Quite frankly, NEITHER of these dreams of a husband, family, and acting career, winning me an Oscar, have come true.

Yet.

Then why do I hang onto them?

I don't know...

And God.  Yes.  He confuses me.

And sometimes I don't understand.

Most days I don't get life.

But, in my experience, I believe that life, and faith starts with the heart.

When I am honest, and transparent, and open, THAT'S when TRUTH comes.

I can't imagine a God that punishes or discards out of lack of education or knowledge in upbringing.

I believe there is a God that honors when we are transparent, and honest, and real.

I know this, because it happened for me.

I was never told what to believe.

I found it for myself.

And for my experiences, I am truly grateful.